In a grey state of mind

I’ve been restless this last couple of days. Anxious, on edge, with a sinking feeling of despair, hopelessness. It happens sometimes. I’ve got a melancholic inner force that pushes up to the surface every now and then until it floodes everything that I am and blurries my thoughts and actions.

Like a huge wave of grey mist coming over me... No, coming from within me, pushing hard to get out, scream and shout, cry in pain and agony. Never quite sure what really sets it free. Crying helps but it’s hard for me to cry when there’s nothing to cry for... but something ignites the crying, there’s always something that does it, sooner or later that spark and I can feel the huge dam broke, unblocking all that was inside, all that wasn’t inside, leaving me exhausted and lost and in a grey state of mind for days.

I’m afraid it is you two who are causing all this upheaval now. Warm and cold, all or nothing, in or out, real or fake, new or old, big or small... two living contradictions inside, new hope and old disappointment. Being or becoming. Preserving or creating.

Just because I’m not making progress as fast as I think I should it doesn’t mean I’m not making any progress. To keep going. To stand still. Listen and silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about it.

I’ve been listening and silent for some time now: “You’re going to be happy” said life, “but first I’ll make you strong”. Am I done being strong? Will I know when I’m ready? I think I am. I am not sure.

Sometimes I’m disappointed in myself... because I know I’m better than the choices I make and the things I choose to deal with. But, oh the joy, the fun and carelessness...it is so easy to give in and give up.

Now more than ever riding a weeping, mournful wave and trying not to sink, keeping my head off the water that’s drowning me, suffocating and extinguishing my fire.

         In a grey state of mind.